I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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