just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
