somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So vagazzling was a success
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
