I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She bit a glass in half.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
