Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
