3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
