we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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