two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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