just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
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This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
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I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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