I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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