What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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