she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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