K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
