There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
