My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
it was like eating out sand paper
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
