...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
