Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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