Don't make out with my wife yet
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
