I heard we made out
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
