Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
