I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That accounts for only three of the penises
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
