I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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