pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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