Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
