Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
