I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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