theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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