If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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