my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
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Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
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Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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