I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
3pm strippers are depressing
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
