The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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