worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Someone signed my nipple.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
