a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize
