the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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