Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
