Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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