um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
