I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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