I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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