Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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