You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
