watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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