I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
