Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
