You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
