Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
