I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
