I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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