Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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