Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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