we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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