i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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