Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!