My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.