I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
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I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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