i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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