You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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