I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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